4 ways to spice up sex when you’re trying to conceive

Ruby Rare is a sex educator, artist, and body-positive champion, and we are incredibly lucky to have Ruby as one of the experts on our Fertility Pack! Here, she gives us a guide to keeping the fun in sex when you’re trying to conceive.

Trying to conceive (TTC) is a moment of change and excitement. Sex takes on a whole new meaning and significance: it’s suddenly about more than pleasure and connection between you and your partner, but that doesn't mean those things go out of the window. 

So here are 4 suggestions for how to keep sex fun while TTC. I hope this guidance provides you with some new ideas and ways of seeing things, but remember: you are the best person to give yourself sex advice, because you’re the ultimate expert when it comes to your body and your desires.

1. Keep up the sexual currency

Don’t panic, I’m not talking about opening some kind of erotic bank account! Sexual currency was introduced to me by the wonderful Dr Karen Gurney in her book Mind the Gap. It’s all the little things in your relationship that add to each of you feeling desired, wanted, and sexy - that exist outside of you having sex. An affectionate text, squeezing your partner’s bum as they walk past, genuine and thoughtful compliments, cuddling up watching a film, a long passionate kiss - the list goes on! Incorporating things like this into your day-to-day relationship builds a great foundation for desire, and therefore for sex, to thrive. 

There’s a physical connection we experience during sex (with penetration there’s literally someone inside you!), but feeling connected is about so much more than that. And I think it’s just as important to think about the ways you connect outside of sex as it is to focus on the sex itself.

Now I know that this isn’t always easy - feeling like a team can be especially hard if you’ve been trying for a while, or are undergoing fertility treatment. That’s when honest communication - to yourself, your partner, and others (if useful) - really helps. But it’s a lot more challenging going through these difficulties when you’re lacking that sense of connection.

2. Communicate!

I really disagree with the notion that talking about sex ‘ruins the moment’ or makes sex worse. Good communication = good sex.

The first step to communicating with someone else is knowing what you want to communicate - which comes from knowing yourself, what you enjoy, and where your head’s at.

Here are some ways to communicate while you’re having sex:

• For firmness of touch - use a 1-10 scale. ‘Harder’ can sound hot, but it’s pretty vague. If I ask a partner where they are on the scale and they say ‘4’, not only do I know they want something firmer, but I get quite a good idea of how much firmer. Check every so often to see if you need to alter the pressure. This technique also works well for spanking and other forms of impact play.

• No more ‘down a bit, to the left a bit’ - for internal stimulation, using the numbers on a clock face to identify the placement of pressure works well. But saying ‘I like it when you press against 5 o’clock and 7 o’clock’ gives clear and specific instructions. And it can be fun to try different numbers!

• Remember just because you’re in a relationship, doesn’t mean consent is a given: check in with one another. Asking ‘what are you in the mood for?’ is a great way to get things going and gage where your partner’s at.

If you have a worry or concern you want to raise with your partner, this can feel scary - it’s daunting to bring something challenging to the table, but I encourage you to do that instead of keeping it to yourself. Sex is still a taboo topic, but the more openly you discuss it together, the easier it will feel. 

Ideally, communication itself should be consensual, meaning everyone’s consented to having that conversation at that time. Give warning before that you want to discuss something, then block out some time to chat - this might involve them going away and having some time to think about what you’ve brought up. And remember you’re allowed to let them know that you feel nervous about raising this - be honest about where you’re at.

3. Prioritise your pleasure

Trying for a baby shouldn’t suddenly make sex ‘serious’ - there is still room to be playful, and curious, and creative. If it feels right for you, there are many ways to incorporate sexual play into your TTC journey.

You may want to have a signal between you and your partner to indicate when you’re ovulating - using clinical words can take you out of a sexy headspace, where sex feels like a task rather than something with room for playfulness. Focus on the two of you as a couple, and try to leave all of the technical talk and fertility jargon out of the bedroom. Now may not be the time to call each other baby!

Here are some suggestions to up the pleasure: 

• When you're not ovulating, make an effort to focus on other sex acts and take the pressure off penetration. And remember, around 70% of women and people with vulvas need direct clitoral stimulation in order to experience an orgasm. So when you are having penetrative sex, don’t forget the clitoris! 

• Trying something new can inject excitement into your sex life - from sex toys, to BDSM, to listening to audio porn together. But this doesn’t need to be what we expect sexy ‘should’ look like, find what’s sexy for you and your partner! And you don’t need to be trying new things if that’s not where your head’s at.

• Use lube! Great sex involves lube. I like to think of it as the ultimate sex toy, because whatever you’re doing, a good dollop of lube is guaranteed to change and heighten the sensation. Use anything from a few drops to get the party started, to experimenting with loads. Notice how this changes the sensation, and be playful with it!

And remember the importance of consent - if either of you are not in the right place for sex, even when you’re ovulating, that needs to be respected. There is always the next cycle - it doesn’t have to be now.

4. Remember you’re not alone - this isn’t easy, and you don’t need to have it all figured out

I wish TTC could be all rainbows and orgasms, but the reality is there’s a lot of pressure, anxiety, and shame that can be tied up with this stage of your life.

Remember, this process will take as long as it's going to take - trying to minimise your expectations really helps. If you’re struggling to take the pressure off, acknowledge it to your partner so you’re both aware - hopefully they can help to reassure you, and if not at least you’ll be in it together. 

Remember that everyone’s journey through trying to conceive is different - it can be easy to judge yourself against other people in your life, but you’re doing this in your own way, and that’s ok. The last thing I want is for you to add a load more pressure onto the situation by thinking you need to be having the wildest sex right now! There’s no right or wrong way to approach this - do what you can to enjoy yourself through this process, but try not to beat yourself up if you find that difficult.

The reality is that our sexual desire ebbs and flows, and what we’re wanting to get out of sex - whether it’s pure passion, a quick release before bed, or to make a baby - is constantly changing. Trying to embrace this fluidity can be really useful while you’re in a time where sex takes on so many different meanings.

And remember - you’re the expert on your sex life. Other people around you may have certain opinions or expectations, but this is about what’s right for you.

Ruby Rare is a sex educator, artist, and body-positive champion. Follow Ruby on Instagram @rubyrare.