Birth story - Mariya and baby Henry

*Trigger warning* - Mention of baby loss

Where to begin? I guess the beginning is always best. I am sorry if this will be a trigger for anyone :( I hope not for many people.

We had a loss 2 years ago in March. First attempt in parenthood. We were heartbroken, but we knew we wanted to start a family. When we got pregnant the second time round and I started researching and found The Positive Birth Company, it changed my life. Anyone who had suffered a loss and had a rainbow after that can tell you, it is like holding your breath for three months. So, before we had the 12 week scan, PBC was there for me. I used my up breathing to relax myself at night and think only positive thoughts, asked my partner for light touch massage and he read me positive birth stories from the IG page. I had found something to help me hold onto the light and positivity after our loss.

Henry was in no rush to make his appearance in this world. We had a fantastic pregnancy but I had low Papp-A which meant that I was unable to do a home delivery like I planned. The midwives who monitored me were also concerned over the fluid around the baby and I was booked for an induction on June 25th.

I had a quick pancake breakfast, and at 12 pm we were admitted at the ward. I had two sweeps (one unsuccessful and one sort of successful) but no joy. I had the pessary inserted around 1 pm after baby and myself were carefully monitored to make sure he was head down. I was told that this may take up to 48 hours, as usually they need to repeat the pessary, and I was ready to spend at least three days in hospital. I had Freya app ready and I started drinking coconut water, bouncing on my ball and watching Endgame (now thinking back on it, Chris Evans may have had something to do with heightened levels of oxytocin :D) I was so calm due to completing the PBC course and I was ready for this. 4 hours after the pessary being inserted my surges were a minute apart. I was doing my up-breathing and I was asked if they could check my progress. I was 2cm dilated. The surges were relentless and I had my wobble.

I wish I can say that I recovered swiftly, but it took me a second to remember to breathe. Jack (my partner) reminded me of this, he gently stroked my head and said 'It will come and it will go babe, like a wave, remember?' In the trans state I was whispering at every surge 'come and go, come and go, come and go' like a mantra. Combined with my breathing this helped a lot.

6 hours in, and I was 4 cm. I was offered codeine (this was written in my birth preferences which the wonderful midwives read and complied so kindly with), and I accepted. I vomited said codeine, and from tensing my abdomen muscles, broke my own waters. It felt like a warm gush of water, very movie like and strange feeling. I remember being so embarrassed: I whispered to Jack that I had just wet myself and he again very gently said no, your waters broke, we will have our little by soon.

I was wheeled into the delivery room with Jack, he made me laugh the whole time and it worked wonders. I felt safe, happy and excited. The pain however even though manageable was overwhelming. The surges were, what felt like, only mere seconds apart. I broke down and asked for an epidural. Jack used BRAIN and discussed all the pros/cons with the midwife and the anaesthesiologist. He was advocating for me, and doing a great job at it. I decided to go ahead after he told me what the experts have said. And so everything I swore I will not do, having the drugs, being on my back, being coached how to push... It was out of the window, but it did not matter, because I was so pleased with my choices. I was feeling brave, secure and not guilty about asking for help and support when it came to it. It was a full blown team work: me, baby, partner and midwife.

After the epidural was fitted I felt like I was on a cloud. I received the much needed rest and slept for a few hours, as alongside it I was given an injection to slow surges, as baby was getting a bit restless... he was not ready yet. After a few hours of much needed shut eye, around 3am I was woken up by a midwife named Di. I remember saying 'Di, like Lady Diana!' I was so high :D and happy as we bonded and spoke about her wonderful family and 4 children. I was amazed: she has done this 4 times. I felt more empowered than ever.

She asked to check me again and I was 10 cm: he was ready, I was ready and it was time. I started listening to Di's voice and her breathing and pushing techniques. There was a consultant on standby and he said he was there to 'help' (if I needed caesarean/a cut etc) Something inside me lit like a fire and I asked that he left. I was going to push out my son, so Di looked at me and she said let's do it. She coached me and asked me to push and hold off when she said and Henry's head was out after two pushes. Jack was so calming and kept making me laugh. It was amazing. Three more pushes and I felt Henry's little body slide out from the birth canal. He had entered this world.

He was exactly 41 weeks, when I pushed him out. Di lifted him up and out him on my chest: his eyes were open. One thought came rushing into my head 'I am the first thing you see! I am always going to love you!' I cried, so did Jack, so did Di. It was an indescribable love. He was in my arms, and I had no intention of letting go. PBC was there every step of the way and even though I had an induction it was MAGIC! Thank you for everything!